Yes, we are already in the second month of 2023. I was supposed to post this up in the last week of December, but then I got busy. So, here it is. I know, it kinda feels pointless now to post this up, but heck, why not? Right?
Time waits for no man (or woman, if you wanna play by the gender-equality card), and it feels even more so now. To me, it seemed like it was just recently that I’ve decided to leave the (un)comfortable working environment that I had known for a decade and a half, and finally worked up the courage to try something new. When I made that decision at the time, many have said that I was crazy – that I have lost it – for taking such a risk, at this stage of my life. By most convention, I am at the age where I should already be in a stable career, with a stable income, and have a family of my own with a kid or two running around the house, living the Malaysian Dream, if you will.
I had none of those… unfortunately.
2022 was supposed to be MY year – it was supposed to be a year that promised The World! It was supposed to be a self-discovering year. 2022 was supposed to be a year of new beginnings, new hope, and a step towards something bigger. It took me a whole lot to have gathered enough courage to make that leap of faith, especially after consuming way too many (probably?) of those self-help and motivational books. Tony Robbins, Napoleon Hill, Robert Kiyosaki and many, many more have said that instead of fearing failure, and allow those thoughts to constantly plague my mind, I should instead instil that notion, that, what if I were to succeed? What if, after taking those risks, instead of failing, I would succeed instead, and be a step closer than ever towards my dream?
I was pumping on all cylinders, ladies and gentlemen, and I started 2022 with a resolve that I had never found in me, ever. I was determined to make 2022 MY year.
Little that I know, as the year marched towards Christmas, that house of cards began to crumble. I lost almost everything I had from the year before – my savings, my relationship, and my career (even though it was never fulfilling) – everything disintegrated. Life handed me one of the worst beat-downs ever, and I almost caved in, and lost. My lifelong mantra of NEVER GIVE UP was taken to the ultimate limit – I was broken, beaten up, and scarred, and I have the bruises to show. I was angry, and disappointed at the powers-that-be, that seemed to have forgotten that I existed, yet even more so than that, I was angry with myself! I felt utterly useless, hopeless, and it seemed that the world was out to get me, and almost everyone chose to desert me. 2022 turned out to be such a catastrophe, and in end, it seemed to be a pointless year, that represented the lowest point of my life. There were those who I thought were my friends, and yet chose to ignore me when I needed their support the most, and trust me, it had nothing to do with financial assistance at all.
At this juncture, I would like extend my heartfelt gratitude to those who chose to stay with me, and was there with me through my worst patch ever – you know who you guys are. You fellas are the people that I always turn to to let off some steam, and confide in. You guys are the ones, who would be able to sense that something was wrong with me, and would choose to approach me, and check if I was okay. Some of you would call me up for a yumcha (that’s another term for tea break or supper) session when you sense that I needed it; some of you would set aside their time to accommodate me with a yumcha or karaoke session when I initiated it, cuz I needed it; some would be there to lend me some listening ears, for me to air my rants and grouses; and more… Like I said, you guys know who you are when you read this, and it was thanks to all of you, that I am still here breathing, still being able to write this piece. I am forever indebted to you fellas, more than you will ever know. You fellas were there for me, along with my sister, when I was lost. So to that, I salute to all of you.
Thank you.
Now, up to this point, I know how gloom and doom this piece looks like, and believe me, that is not the point of this piece, and it will not end that way. However, for a large part of 2022, that was exactly how it felt like to me.
Sometime in mid-November, I was exposed to a Netflix series called Lucifer, via another Netflix series called Sandman, which are based on a comic title created by Neil Gaiman. Now I have always been interested in biblical and celestial stories, even though I am a Buddhist, and I am even BIGGER comic book fan to boot. So for me to like Lucifer and Sandman seems to make a lot of sense. Sandman came out first, and I think it was back in September? Or was it October? It was a great show – a visual spectacle with substance. One of the characters in the show, which appeared in only one episode, yet made a monumental impact on the series, was Lucifer, played by a Game of Throne alumni, Gwendoline Christie. Her portrayal of The Devil a.k.a The King of Hell was fantastic. However, when I read the reviews online, I was surprise to hear some minor grouses and complaints as to why Tom Ellis and Matt Ryan were not called to reprise their respective characters Lucifer and John Constantine. John Constantine the TV series, I definitely know. I love that short-lived TV series and I think that Matt Ryan portrayed the character very, very well… with suave, if you may. I just wished that the series would have been continued and I would have liked to see how the story of Astra unfolded. Anyways, that is a discussion for another time.
As for Tom Ellis, I had no idea of who he was, and what was so great about his portrayal of Lucifer. Up to that point, my favourite portrayal of Lucifer had been from Keanu Reeves’s Constantine film, by one Peter Stormare. His portrayal was perfect for me, and despite the short screen time, he managed to make the audience hate that character, and fell in love with his demeanour.
At the time, although I have heard of the Sandman comic series, I didn’t know much about the details, and I surely didn’t know that the Lucifer comic series was a spinoff of that series. There were those who said that Tom Ellis should have reprised the role, just as how him and Matt reprised their respective roles in the Crisis on Infinite Earths, instead of Gwendoline. But Gwendoline was absolutely wonderful in that role! I loved her portrayal! And yet people were complaining!
And I wanted to know why!
So, sometime in November, I thought I’d give the Lucifer series a try, thinking that I might watch only the pilot episode, and then, that’s it. I watched it, and I immediately understood why fans fell in love with the character, and the show. Hence, from that point onwards, I started to binge watch the series, and about one month later, I finished the entire six seasons, which amounted to 93 episodes. It was a satisfying watch. The series had the right amount of drama, gore, romance, mystery, plot twists, and of course, humour. The chemistry between the actors and characters were wonderful.
Anyway, as I progressed through the episodes, I begin to see some similarities between me and the titular character. Excluding the character’s origin, and dysfunctional family scenario, both of us were tortured souls – we were both looking to find a purpose and meaning to our existences; for at least the first three seasons of the series, Lucifer had wanted a companion in life that he cannot get; and for the baggage that we carry, it made us feel alone. Both of us felt trapped in our jobs that doesn’t bring us any joy or meaning – we underachieve in our careers. Both of us had to keep a lot to ourselves, because no one would care, or no one would be able to understand about it, even if we say it out, so in the end, we choose to keep everything to ourselves. We bottled ourselves up, until we reach a breaking point.
Lucifer Morningstar, throughout the entire series, was literally trying to discover his true calling in life, and to realize what mattered to him the most. His journey – his transformation, although it was just a work of fiction, was quite inspirational. In my mind, I was thinking, if The Devil can changed his life, surely, little ol’ me can do the same, right? I mean, I have to believe that I can, right? The series finale kind of hit it home for me, especially the final ending theme song – My Chemical Romance’s WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE. You see, I have an unspoken tradition at any karaoke parlours, and I kind of credit this to a friend of mine, who loves this song so much, and every single time that we go karaoke-ing together, this song would definitely be in the song list, and more often than not, the final song of the night. Now, recently after I failed horribly to see any financial results from my misadventure in property sales, I had to make my way back to my previous career path, just to frigging survive and cover my commitments and expenses, and just so happened, I got the new job offer back in my hometown. So, before I finally make my way back to my hometown, I thought of enjoying my time with my friends one last time – one of them being karaoke-ing. As I watched the finale of Lucifer, with MCR’s song blaring, just merely 4 to 5 hours prior, I just sang that exact song with my karaoke friends, in my last karaoke session in KL for now. So, the coincidence kind of hit me hard.
So after a decade in the big city, having forged bonds with so many people that now mean a lot to me, I kind of have a heavy heart going back home. On one hand, I’m quite glad that I could finally go back home, and get to finally stay in the comfort of my own home, rather than staying cooped up in a small room, that’s not exactly cheap to rent. On the other hand, it also means that I have to leave all of my friends, and the bonds that I have made with them behind, and back to a place where I have almost lost all faith to some of the people there. So yeah, I am feeling a little bit conflicted, and I am scared of the loneliness that I would be facing. I am already feeling lonely as it is, because of the person whom I thought would be walking beside me to the end of the line left me when I needed her the most, and it was my other bonds that I forged that kept me going, and now, I was going to lose them as well. So, what does that leave me with? Make no mistake, I have gotten over her, rather quicker than I thought I would have, but that doesn’t mean that the loneliness is not there. That crack is still there, and it was filled with those friendship and bonds. So, what now, especially that I am going home?
However, having watched Lucifer, especially the last three episodes, it kind of made me look back at my 2022. Was it really bad as I made it seem to be? Looking back, as far as sales conversion is concerned, I suck, no doubt about that. But in terms of sales numbers, I actually did pretty darn good – for a beginner that is. It kind of proved to me that I CAN actually do sales, it’s just that most of these people weren’t honest enough to actually come clean about their financial profile etc, which in turn became a major cause of why they were unable to secure bank loans. As such, even though I had put in a lot of hard work and efforts into my work, I was unable to see any results, and any significant financial gains. Still, my eight months venture into property sales have somewhat given me an insight on how the business works, and kind of given me an idea on how to continue earning money from the business as a side hustle. Hopefully, this could work out the way I hope it would.
Another thing that I kind of realized in 2022 is that I can actually make a pretty darn good councillor. So many have approached me and sought for my advice on various issues, and ironically, most of them being issues relating to relationships. I’d say “ironic” because, as my record in romantic relationships isn’t exactly “admirable” – I failed on both accounts, for crying out loud. Yet, there I was giving advice on something that has eluded me for so long. Still, my counselling actually worked, and managed to save quite a number of relationships – and I am happy with myself because of that.
2023 will be a year of new beginnings for me. It will be a year that I will try to undo all the damages that had occurred in 2022, nursing all the wounds and scars. As I said earlier, we are already on the 2nd month into 2023, I just hope that things could somehow work out for me, and hopefully, I could finally heal my soul, and go on to make 2023 my year.
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